05/17/2002 Archived Entry: "SW:Ep2"
Yeah, I saw Attack of the Clones...and when I'm on my death bed, I'm gonna want those five hours and fifteen minutes back.
Five hours and fifteen minutes? Indeed--that's two hours and fifteen minutes for the movie and three for standing in line to get decent seats. I don't wanna talk about the wait. All the stuff you're hearing about friendly fans waiting in line is false; the line I stood in was made up of pissed off people who wanted to see the damn movie. A fight broke out because someone tried to cut in line.
When I finally got into the theatre, I was treated to one hour and fifty minutes of the most banal, weak, and soulless pile of cinematic masturbation to which I have ever been subjected. That was followed up by about twenty-five minutes of ass-kicking climactic battle and Yoda. Never has so much money and creative energy been spent on so little.
The movie started and I was immediately plunged into some action that I didn't care about. Then we went to some mindless talk that I didn't care about. Then a bunch of background information is presented in such a way that stuff I thought I wanted to know about--like, how is Uncle Owen related to Darth Vader?--make me weep with boredom. Then a chase that I didn't care about. Now we go to this other planet and there's a bunch of stuff that I didn't care about. Then some more stuff happened about which, yep, I just didn't care.
It was the first movie during which I checked my watch. More than once, even.
Many reviewers have been gushing about the return to "real Star Wars," but I didn't see that at all. There were a few glimmers of hope, but the movie felt about as much like "Star Wars" as a giant stinking dead whale.
The end of the movie was A-OK and fun. My friends and I complained on the car ride to the theatre that whatever Yoda looks like when he fights can't be as good as what we could picture in our heads, and that instead of showing Yoda kicking butt, his fight should have been left to the imagination.
I was wrong. Yoda fighting looked every bit as good as I could have imagined.
The climactic battle near the end was very good, but marred by some misplaced humorous moments that, while funny genuinely, disrupted the action like a guillotine disrupts blood flow to the brain.
One star, out of four. Pehaps two, if I hadn't had to wait for three hours in line. There were three people that showed up in costume--two little kids, who started lightsaber fighting and had to be asked to stop by the usher because their mother didn't seem interested in controlling her spawn, and one older guy who came in full Jedi regalia, complete with authentic replica lightsaber. He was openly laughed at, and considering the quality of the movie, I can't say I blame the hecklers.
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