01/28/2002 Archived Entry: "Mmmm, bad boy!"

Me are a bad boy.

Yes, I have not posted updates for days. Me are sorry. Me have been playing Ghost Recon. Originally, I thought that I'd suck at any kind of tactical shooter, but my new GeForce card convinced me otherwise.

"Dude," it said. "Return to Castle Wolfenstein is cool, but you've played through it six times."

"I know," I said, blowing away some Nazis. "But it's fun."

"Yes, well, fun it may be," said the GeForce. "But I need something more."

"More than Return to Castle Wolfenstein?" I asked, pausing the game and getting down on my knees so that I could look at the exposed guts of my computer with greater clarity. "But, Magical Talking GeForce 3 card," I said, fixing its shiny blue heatsinks with my questioning gaze, "what ever do you mean? What can I possibly buy that will sate your insatiable desire to crunch polygons?"

"You must buy for me...GHOST RECON." The words echoed with import.

"B-b-but Magical Talking GeForce 3 card! I just spent over $300 on you! I can't go buy another game just to satisfy your unsatisfiable need to blast out an absurd number of trilinear-filtered mipmapped quads! You'll drive me to drink!" I began to cry.

"Silence, sniveling mortal!" The GeForce 3 card began to pulsate with anger. "Away with you! Leave this dwelling, and do not return until you have purchased GHOST RECON, or you shall feel my wrath!" Then, just like in Return of the Jedi, tendrils of lightning shot out of the GeForce's S-Video port, searing my skin. I leapt to my feet and heard the terrible screams of the video card echoing down the hallway after me.

"YOU WILL BRING ME GHOST RECON! GHOST RECON! And while you're out, pick up Medal of Honor, too." Terrified, I got into my car and ran over six people in my haste to get to the mall.

Seriously. Stuff like this happens all the time at my apartment.

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